Addiction

There are many different addictions that people suffer from. You could say your addicted to chocolate, soda, or even cleaning, but would you lie cheat and steal for a piece of Godiva? Would you risk your life for a case of Mt. Dew? It doesn't seem logical, because these are not true addictions.

It is hard to look back on my life and see some of the things that I have done to family and friends. The way that I treated my grandmother, or the way that I talked to my father, or my violent outbursts toward my mother, these are just a few of the regrets I have in my life. Some would say that you should never regret, just learn. I call bullshit here. I regret my whole past.

I sit here and think of how I should start this conversation and what I should say. I have decided that there are some things that I will still keep a secret, only those close to me know, and other things that I have never told a soul. Not even my husband. So here we go, lets start from the beginning.

After a lifetime of learning and enjoying the game of golf, 2003 came around and I graduated from highschool on my way to Arkansas with a full ride golf scholarship. I was so excited! I was moving out of Indiana and on my own, where I knew no one! My parents were supportive but definately a little weary to send me 15 hours away, looking back now, I can't blame them. So, school starts and the partying follows soon after. I made it through my first year alive, but on academic probation when summer had begun. I was not attending class and found that partying and drinking was alot more fun than making the grade. (Now this was the exact opposite of the way I felt when I was in highschool, I was kind of a nerd in school) I thought I was a typical college student and doing what everyone else my age would have done.

In my second year of college I met a guy. We fell in love, moved in together pretty quickly, and started experimenting with some drugs. He was older than me and I truly looked up to him. I mean, I thought I was in love.....need I say more? This was the beginning of my drug use. I would have to say that it wasn't HARD drugs, marijuana, opium, hash, etc....nothing that could really kill a person. (I am sure that will bring on a whole gallery of people that believe marijuana is a god-awful drug, but I am not one of them) So we partied on a daily basis, went to school now and then, attended all of my golf tournaments and practices, and tried hard to make the grades. It was not working out very well. After 3 years of dating on and off, some life-changing adult situations occurred and I eventually moved back home. (Now this is the part where I will be leaving some of my life moments out, sore subject that I know I will get some slack from)

I returned to Indiana a mess. I was depressed, lonely, and really feeling like scum of the earth. I enrolled at IUSB, which I only went to one class, one day, and quit. My parents of course thought that I was attending on a daily basis, they had no idea what I was really into.

This is the part of my life that gets a little hairy. Many moments I dont remember or I possibly even chose to forget, but there are some that stick out on a scary level.

I didnt really have a drug of choice. I started out with ecstacy and cocaine. I would do it when I was partying every now and then....but then became hooked. I remember buying so much ecstacy that we stayed out for a week straight rolling all day and all night. Mixing cocaine and ex, adding a little acid in here and there, drinking on a daily basis, I was a mess. Time went by and I started experimenting in harder drugs. That is when I was introduced to heroin. The drug that broke my world.

There is so much to say, but so little time, stay tuned for more :)